At least that's how I feel after my ante-natal appointment this morning.
First the nurse tried my right arm for a vein, then my right hand, and then my left arm, before settling for a plump juicy vein in my left hand. She was like a vampire when she found it. There was a needle in and two vials of blood were stolen from my body before I could even blink. She didn't even have the decency to take me to dinner first...
After that was done we sat down and had a chat about what the next batch of tests were in March. I have to come in for more blood samples to check if the baby has Down's Syndrome, Edwards Syndrome or Spina Bifida. She also asked what we would plan to do if our baby did have any of these conditions, would we carry on with the pregnancy or would we abort? I burst into tears just thinking about it. In all honesty I don't know what I would do, that's a huge decision! Scott always said he couldn't look after a child with Down's Syndrome and he would want the pregnancy terminated. Not out of hate or disgust, but because it's a lot to deal with. There's a lot more medical expenses to consider, wheelchairs, care, I would have to leave work to look after a disabled child which could put a lot of stress on a family financially also. Then there's learning to live with a child who will never fully develop mentally, may never walk, talk or be able to feed/dress by themselves.
I agreed with him at the time. But now I just don't know if I could live with that decision. This may be my only chance to have a baby. We've struggled so far to conceive this one, who's to say we can do it again? I don't know if I could terminate this pregnancy knowing that I could never have a child of my own naturally. But then I'm starting to wonder, could I live with myself for terminating a pregnancy at all? Even if I knew I could conceive easily afterwards and that baby would be perfectly healthy? I don't know if I could live with myself after making that decision...
Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself, we haven't even been tested yet and I'm jumping to the worst scenario straight away. I guess we'll cross that bridge if we have to. It's not something I can take lightly right now and would need a serious amount of time to consider anything radical.
Here's our next appointments:
10 March - Down's test screening
27 April - Anomaly Scan (aka find out the baby's sex scan)
13 June - Breastfeeding workshop
20 June - Parenthood workshop
11 July - Physio session
30 August - Baby Noodle is due to enter the world
08 September - 41 week appt for membrane sweep, only necessary if Noodle decides it's too cosy insdie and doesn't show up on time
Termination, in a case like that, is like thinking about a will or life assurance. You know you need to, but you want to keep putting it off until it's sometimes too late.
ReplyDeleteAs hard as it may sound, if it was my baby that was to be a Downs kid (and at least two series of tests showed it), I wouldn't hesitate to terminate. And it would be for everyone's benefit. The kid would not have to live with the stigma and discomfort/challenges, as parents you would not have to drastically change everything you did on a normal daily basis, would not have to change plans that had been made for life to come, would not have the incessant, ever-increasing medical costs to cover, etc etc etc...
And there is always adoption. If a woman was unable to conceive again after terminating a Downs pregnancy, there are options available to adopt and give a kid a chance at a decent life. Granted, it may not be your biological kid with your partner, but the kid will be loved and treated as part of the family.
In your case though, I know it's not going to happen. There is no history (that I am aware of) in either side of the family of Downs, so the chances are virtually nil.
Don't stress too much thinking about it....Noodle will feel it all... :-) xoxo